The countdown to vacation has begun, with every night telling Owen “Five more sleeps,” and so on, until now there are only three more sleeps to go. I was going to work until noon on Friday but on Monday suddenly realized how foolish an idea THAT was; how much work am I really going to get done? So we will get up and have a leisurely breakfast of strawberry pop-tarts and coffee (for me), and with hope we will be on the road by ten. To say I am excited is the understatement of the year, I think. I am looking forward to being with my kids one last time before everything changes again, with the advent of a new school year and a new baby. I long for the smell of the ocean, am looking forward to seeing the kids’ faces as they see such a huge, moving, breathing entity as the ocean for the first time. I am looking forward to the wind and the clear sound of the waves, the feel of the sand beneath my feet. I am not delusional-I know there will be issues that crop up, that there will be moments of tension and uncertainty-I am expecting no Utopia. Still-this is my time, our time, to simply be who we are, with no masks and no pretenses.

I find, too, that something of a miracle has occurred in that I am genuinely looking forward to, no, craving, spending time with my sisters. I have been talking to my next oldest sister quite frequently lately, and it has been nothing short of amazing. The funny thing is that she has an uncanny way of calling on the days when I am falling apart, and I think she must think I am a nutjob all the time, but she still manages to tell me just what it is I need to hear, good and bad. There are no false words of comfort, no platitudes, and in fact she has told me some pretty hard truths-yet in the most loving and caring manner there is. The fact that the two of us have been somewhat estranged for a good many years may tell you just how much we have each grown, that we can meet again where we are in our lives and find new things to love. I feel so blessed tonight.

It has been a busy week or so, with eye doctor appointments (Eli needs glasses, and thanks to my HSA, I get to get new glasses myself for the first time in years!) and working at the editing job and getting ready for Hannah’s baby shower…plus my nephew is here, and my mom and grandma were in town over the weekend (which we ALL know is a whole other post, right?), we HAD the baby shower….and now, just a few more days until we leave, so there is the resultant flurry over all that.  I am excited to be meeting a fellow blogger while on my trip, and in general I am just so hyped up and ready that words can’t describe it.  In addition to all of this-as if it weren’t enough!-I find myself in the middle of repairing and rebuilding two relationships that have meant so much to me through the years

I am going to have a laptop with me while I am gone, so I might be able to squeeze in a post or two.  I will try, too, to post one more time before I leave, because I really, really need to blog about, you know, my mom.  And her craziness.  And MY craziness when WITH my mom.  You know; all that stuff.  Thanks for hanging around, my friends.

Still alive, busy as hell with both jobs and kids, blah blah blah. Spent most of the weekend running various kids to their various activities, and am glad to be at work to get some quiet. I just didn’t want anyone to think I had gone off the deep end and slit my wrists or anything.

Actually, I have no idea what the point is today. I got up, I came to work, I will go home after work and I will go to bed. That’s it. I feel myself shrinking back into my little shell and building up another little bit of armor, and it gets more and more difficult to pull myself out of it. I went to dinner with my friend J. last night, and then we watched the movie “Crazy Heart” at the Parish Hall, and it was okay but mostly I was sitting there thinking,”Why does any of this matter?”

I am reluctant to write anything here, because anything I can say will be whining. Going over the same things over and over again. I had thought the review thing was funny in many ways, but also some legitimate stuff was brought up, and I think-well. What does it matter what I think? I had forgotten being insulated with my little network of friends that the world as a whole really does look at me and my life as a train wreck, and while I can forgive whatever is said about me, I can’t forgive or forget personal attacks on my family. And I had forgotten that many, many people are simply cruel for no apparent reason.

It isn’t just the review, although of course that is part of it. Mostly, it is knowing that I have basically been having the same problems with Steve and money and life for the last four years, and I imagine you all are getting tired of hearing about it. There are lots of good days, to be sure, but really, I am no different than I was a year ago, two years ago, ten years ago, and I am just tired enough of the whole shebang to simply step away. Not blogging, because I can never stay away for long, but with life in a very general sense. I want peace; I want happiness. I deserve them-but right this second, it just kind of seems like, again and again, what is the point?

Moving on….I just don’t know what to do with all of this shit, so I am choosing to do nothing at this point in time. Not in the sense of giving up so much as giving in. I have been shaken to the core by some recent things that have come up regarding Steve, and then I remember that I brought it on myself by allowing him back into my life.

Another day to get through, and I will. Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow again, I will get through.

I had forgotten that awhile ago I asked for a review over at Ask and Ye Shall Receive.  I got it.  It isn’t pleasant.  But then, I did get a few chuckles out of it, so it wasn’t all bad.

Wouldn’t you know that it was windy and not especially pleasant, weather-wise, for the 4th of July weekend, but today is supposed to be hot with no wind?  We did still manage to go out and have fun over the weekend, but when it is 70 degrees with 20 MPH winds, swimming is not in the cards for this old lady.  Still, it was fun to go to the river  early and stake out our spot for the fireworks; the kids were all swimming (brave souls!) and I stretched out on the blanket and read.  Some friends of ours met up with us in the evening and we picnicked and visited until time for the fireworks, and all in all it was a lovely day. 

On Saturday, Sam and Eli and I went to the river with the dogs, and it was a rather hilarious venture.  First, there was a young family there as well; the dad was fishing and the mom was reading and there were two little kids-dressed in nice clothes, and not a speck of dirt on them.  Being friendly, kid-oriented dogs, both of ours came bounding up to the family, whereupon both kids started shrieking and screaming.  Keep in mind we have a BassetHound and a little mutt puppy-not threatening dogs to say the least, and neither of them were jumping up on the kids, but bygones.  We went to a spot further down, and the dogs are pretty good about sticking close and listening when we tell them to stay, so they didn’t continue to be a problem.  Anyway, we could still see this family, and it was-well.  I get that not everyone is outdoorsy, I get that some kids are more timid than others, but I did not see either child-and they were both small children-even sit down in the sand.  Like I said, their clothes were immaculate, the little boy wearing nice khaki shorts with a button-down shirt tucked into it, and all they did the entire time they were there was walk around and kick at the ground.  Like they were bored.  It kind of made me laugh; really?  Who takes their kids to the river in clothes like that?  And what kind of kids won’t get dirty?  At the, you know, RIVER?  No matter-WE all had fun. Still too cold for me to even contemplate swimming, but the boys and dogs were maniacal about it.  We “explored,” as Sam put it, and took pictures and lit off bottle rockets and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

The rest of the weekend was spent doing yard work and chauffering kids around and doing the mundane little things like laundry and dishes and more laundry.  I even went so far as to clean out the fridge, but only under duress.  You see, I have been smelling the slightest whiff of death and decay, and I was seriously starting to worry that it was either the fridge or one of the cats had killed a mouse and left some parts laying around out of sight.  It wasn’t the fridge-there was nothing terribly disgusting in there, and I didn’t even have to throw away any plastic containers that had transformed whatever leftover was in it from food to mold to some unidentifiable mush.  A good day.  Still don’t know where the smell is coming from, and I think I might have to search under the kitchen sink, but not today.  Probably not tomorrow either.

And now, the summer really starts to fly by.  Sam leaves for camp next weekend, and Eli also heads to my dad’s for the week.  I will gather Sam from camp and take him to dad’s and will bring Eli home at the same time, and we also have a baby shower for Hannah coming up on the 24th.  We will then be getting ready to leave for vacation, and even though I don’t have any real spending money at this point, my family is making sure we get there-and that is such a lovely feeling. 

I am still not so great emotionally, and want to thank everyone for your kind comments on some of my recent posts.  It does help, to be reminded that there are other people who see who I really am-infinitely flawed but still lovable, or at least likable.  I feel, still, the ache of sadness and grief, and I suspect I might be feeling that for quite some time.  I have been doing some 12 step work, and as a result have been realizing some hard truths about myself, and that is never fun-but if I am to get better in ANY way, it must be done.  Sometimes, I honestly get tired of having to do all this internal work; I can’t be the only one who does.  I get resentful and angry because, you know, I should be perfect by now, right (*she says as she falls over laughing*)?  I shouldn’t have to change anymore, right?  Not the case.  And while I am not taking on all the blame, there were things I did to contribute to Steve’s apparent unhappiness; I think I am and have been pretty aware of most of them, but I really thought I had been making progress.  I am not diminishing his own responsibility to himself, because if I don’t know what the problem is (regardless of what it is), I can’t do anything to change/fix/help, and I can’t read minds.  If he tells me he feels X,Y,Z, then I am going to accept that at face value.  His refusal to address his problems or concerns and pretend everything was lovely and fine for him?  That is HIS issue, and I can’t take that one on.  But I do have my own, boy, do I.

So.  I am just going to keep doing what I am doing, and am trying really hard to trust-in god, in myself, in something-that someday this is going to feel better.  I want to get the point where I am almost glad, you know?  I am not there yet, and I suspect it will be awhile before I am, but I will get there, right?  Of course.